From Here to Eternity

In her feature article in the Saturday Telegraph Magazine – What Price Dying? The Big Funeral RIP-off – Hannah Betts lets rip on the outrageous cost of funerals these days!  She went through the experience of loss recently, with the death of her mother, and then within the space of a year, her father – a lot to deal with by any measure.   Sadly, she was left feeling embittered about the paucity of the end of life experience offered from the funeral industry, in contrast to its cost.  First of all I feel like apologising to Hannah on behalf of the funeral community.  No-one should come away feeling sad and angry after the funeral of a loved one, and if it has happened, then something has gone seriously wrong.  A great deal of criticism has been levelled at the funeral business lately, and whilst I do not want to enter into that debate, I do want to reassure those who are going through the ordeal of arranging a funeral, that it is a fundamental principle of the industry that every care is taken to lessen the anxiety that surrounds this experience, and to make it a memorable and fitting tribute to the one who has gone.

Hannah goes on to review the alternatives to her experience of secular end of life ceremonies, and the growing interest in having a bespoke funeral, often arranged by a more boutique style funeral parlour than the larger chain-style undertakers, with much more input from the immediate mourners, and imaginative ways of sending a loved one on their way to eternal rest.  Having more autonomy over how you despatch your dead seems to be a way in which many people find greater peace and acceptance of their departure.  And there are really many ways to do this, as the feature describes.

But I would say that the fundamental aspect that makes a difference to a feeling of wellbeing at the end of a service, is the way in which the service is conducted, and that is down in large part, to the person who is taking it.  That is why Funeral Directors are so choosy about offering an independent celebrant work.   Their reputation rather hangs on how the service went. Everyone has heard tales of vicars who get the name of the departed wrong, and mumble their way through a funeral service distributing the last rites in a monotone recital with no engagement with the congregation whatsoever.  Equally, there is a danger that the person taking the service may have an over-inflated opinion of their own role and its importance in the ceremony, and ramble on too long about irrelevant, universal themes, to the detriment of the memory of the departed person.   They may not present themselves in a suitably respectful way, or have any great knowledge of public speaking, all of which are vital aspects in the work of a good celebrant.  In all such situations the mourners come away disappointed and critical.

As an independent funeral celebrant, my job is first and foremost to focus on that departed person.  The very reason that everyone has gathered together in the one place and at an appointed hour is to take time to say farewell and perform the last acts of respect and duty for their loved one.  To demonstrate the love that has been shared.  The aim of the celebrant is to deliver a service that is meaningful and memorable.  That is what the mourners will take away with them.

The funeral service is the finished product, which begins with a meeting with the bereaved relatives, then writing the script of the service, and finally delivering it on the day.  Establishing a close relationship with the bereaved is the starting point.  A good celebrant will listen carefully to the story that unfolds of a person’s life.  Listening is more important than asking too many questions, which can be too overwhelming for those still in a state of shock or distress.  It is important to visit the home of the departed one, if possible, and have the meeting there, as it helps to understand the background and territory in which that life was lived.  Being observant of photos on walls and shelves can add another layer of understanding – was that person a dog-lover, gardener, grandparent, a sportsman, artist or collector?  There are clues everywhere that can help to make the picture.  But above all, you are trying to find the essence of who that person was, and this can be revealed in many ways, a chance remark, a turn of phrase to describe their outlook on life – ‘she was never one to give up’, ‘he would always give people a helping hand’, and suddenly you have the person before you again, and that is what you will try to convey when standing up to speak on the day. 

When the day comes, speaking out gently but clearly is very important – there may be those hard of hearing amongst the mourners, but less is always more in the way of what is said.  There is no need for platitudes or lectures – time is short enough, and the art is to make the most of the allotted half hour in the most meaningful way possible.  You have to be a good editor.   In many ways you are the least important person present, merely a conduit for the transfer of emotions and the rite of passage that has been created to ensure a sense of peace and harmony at the end.           

In terms of my own experience, every funeral is unique, and everyone involved deserves to feel that their input is valued, even if simply by attending, and that is part of what gives meaning to the ceremony.  Creating the ceremony that is ‘just right’ for the loved one that has gone, is my priority and my privilege.  And I happen to work for the best of funeral directors in my locality, who will go to any length to give their clients what they wish for in respecting their dearly departed.  And the team who work behind the scenes at the crematoriums on my patch have my deepest admiration for the sympathetic approach and the dignity with which they go about their duties.  And there is always a cheery smile at the end of the day to lift the spirits.